Idiocracy

July 22nd, 2008 1 Comment

Someone who won’t fess up to it told me about Idiocracy, a 2006 Mike Judge movie starring Luke Wilson and Maya Rudolph. The premise behind the movie is simple. Two “average” people in 2005 are placed in hibernation, supposedly for one year. Something goes wrong, and they are frozen for 500 years. Over those years, the average IQ of humans declines as the stupids have more kids, and the supposedly “higher intellectuals” over-analyze everything and have fewer kids. Over the next five hundred years, corporations truly run everything, except government, and pay people to name their children after their products and to say their tag lines.

BlowItOutYourPieHole.com–it has electrolytes!

Anyway, I’m wondering if it won’t take more than just one hundred years to reach the point of Idiocracy that is portrayed. How often do you see some dumbass doing some dumbass thing (like using your camera phone to take a picture of your crap and email it to someone)? You probably see it more than you think you do. Since you see it more, it becomes more acceptable in your society. Look at the Jerry Springer show. Just a couple of years ago, people would be embarrassed to be seen in the position that they are now embracing on TV. Right now, the Jerry Springer show is looking for just some of the following:

  • Is your life like a Springer Show?
  • Are you having an affair but feel it’s your lover’s fault you’re cheating?
  • Is your marriage falling apart because of cheating? Do you want to confront that person on our show?
  • Are you too sexy for regular TV? Want to be a part of Jerry Springer’s Pay-Per-View?
  • Do you need the Springer Show to come to your trailer park?
  • Are you not willing to give your ex a divorce and still want to work things out?
  • Are you pregnant by someone else’s man?
  • Are you trying to choose between 2 or more lovers?

If you are one of these people, Jerry Springer wants you! Instead of working out your own situations in the privacy of your home, you want to try to tell the world that you “don’t know me, you can’t judge me,” repeatedly until you lose the shame of your privacy.

I took the truck into downtown Oakland to deliver some toner. By the time I got to the end of the street, I noticed how hot it was in the truck. Someone turned on the heater. It was cold the last time someone took the truck somewhere. Understandable. By the time I turned the corner and got to the stop light, I noticed how cold it was getting in the truck. Someone turned on the air conditioner. Just to recap, both the A/C and the heater were on. I can only imagine what someone was thinking. “It’s getting kinda cold in here, I guess I’ll turn on the heater.” Instead of, “it’s getting kinda cold in here, I guess I’ll turn OFF THE A/C.”

The simple fact that some people go apeshit over whatever the hell Britney is wearing today, whether Lindsay is gay or bulimic or not, or however Matthew smells like is proof of the idiocracy. Well, maybe it’s proof that people are bored and instead of reading a book or building a bridge or curing diabetes, they would rather worry about something that will never change the world for the better. Actually, that’s a pretty good definition of the idiocracy.

The idiocracy continues at an unchecked rate. How many times each day do you see the idiocracy walking around? At first you don’t see it, because you are already there. You are part of the equation. By removing yourself from the equation, and turning into an observer, you will start to see the idiocracy. It’s like a human Heisenberg principle. You can’t measure the idiocracy and observe it at the same time. First, you will start to see a little here and there. Look at these like a researcher and you will see more and more. Point out the idiocracy to others. Some will see it as idiocracy, some will see it as normal behavior. Those who see it as normal behavior need to have the crap slapped out of them. It’s time to stop the idiocracy. It’s time to make America great again. It’s time to be challenged by crossword puzzles or game shows. It’s time to slap the crap out of whoever made this video:

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had the “pleasure” of attending my brother-in-law’s wedding over the weekend. At the end of the eight hour drive, when I started seeing the Human Barbie Dolls and tasting the air, I knew that I was in Los Angeles. Los Angeles does have its advantages, usually two at a time, bouncing along merrily for the whole world to see.

Anyway, for the night of the wedding, we stayed in a hotel, and my brother-in-law and his wife stayed at their home. Kind of a reverse wedding thing, I guess, but all the out-of town relatives on the groom’s side stayed there. Down a block and across the street from the TraveLodge is McCabe’s Guitar Shop, which is often frequented by The Bobs when they are in the greater Santa Monica Metropolitan area. Just to add more insight to the narrow market sliver in the narrow market niche of a cappella music, The Bobs have a song called Valentino’s. An actual restaurant Valentino’s is one block up Pico from McCabe’s.

I live across the street
Across the street from Valentino’s
For every car there’s valet parking
It’s my boyfriend who parks
All the cars at Valentino’s
He’s always so polite

For the evening, I lived across the street from Valentino’s, and I think they have valet parking, but I’m not sure. It was just like living in a song. Next time I’m in Arizona, I’ll go into a tavern and have chicken fajitas, and nachos with peppers, just so I can do it again.

The real pisser of the trip was yesterday. As soon as I got off the plane, I checked my voice mail. There was a message on my cell: “I hope you have more keys, because I have your keys right here!” Talk about a real pie hole experience.

Today’s Travel Tip

Before you fly anywhere, make sure that you go to your automobile association and get a CreditCard Key made. These “door only” keys fit right in your wallet, and chances are low that you will not have your wallet on an airplane. Unless you lose it or it gets stolen. Then you’re really screwed.

Make copies of all car keys, house keys and other keys that you will need. Put them on a key ring and lock them in the glove box of a car that you’re leaving at the parking lot or the car that you’re leaving at home, wrapped up in a $20 bill. Then, the worst that you have to worry about is making it home. You have that $20 to bribe someone into giving you a ride from the airport if needed. If they need it, make sure to yell BLOW IT OUT YOUR PIE HOLE! at them after they leave because they’re taking advantage of your position.

To recap, be in the song in real life.

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I won what?

November 12th, 2007 No Comments

Over the weekend, I got a chance to party with one of my shippers, VIP Transport. A fun time was had by all at the Fox Sports Grill as VIP Transport celebrated their Silver Anniversary.

They flew me down with “My Wife” (or was it?), rented us a car, put us up in a hotel, and had a big party, just for me. The weekend was pretty exciting, starting with Oakland International Airport.

We were flew out of Oakland on Southwest Airlines, who has the entire second terminal. Security through Terminal 2 usually takes 30 to 60 minutes. We zipped on over to Terminal 1 and walked through security. Sure, we had to wait for the family ahead of us to take the shoes off their kids, but we pretty much walked through security. Sweet! Then we had to walk all the way around the terminal to the last gate in Terminal 2. Under Southwest’s new open seating/organized preboarding system, we got to sit in the third row, which was obviously First Class seating! Lucky for me, Bob Uecker wasn’t on the plane.

Our arrival to John Wayne Airport was a shock for me. The last time I was there, it was just a big parking lot, a shack, and a ladder to climb into the airplanes. If I remember correctly, you even had to load your own luggage on the baggage cart. So we got off the plane and walked down to the baggage claim area. A sign on “baggage claim device 1″ had our flight. Remember when they used to be a carousel? I guess some dumb ass rode on one and got hurt. Now, it is a “device.” Anyway, the baggage claim stopped. The bags were delivered to “Baggage Claim Device 2.” So by the time we got over there, the only bags on the “device” were ours, so we collected them and walked over to the car rental window.
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The Pied Piper of Hamelin, as you remember, was a story about rats. The City of Brunswick was so overrun with rats, that they fought the dogs and killed the cats and bit the babies and ate the cheese, drank the soup and in general, caused a major ruckus.

So the townsfolk called the Pied Piper in to get rid of the rats. All the rats flocked to him with his nifty little tune on his nifty little pipe. He played his pipe and the rats came running. They didn’t pay him, so he came back, played his pipe and the children came running. They paid him, and he brought the children back and everyone was happy.

Now that story happened “Almost five hundred years ago,” but the story was written a couple hundred years ago, so we think that this is the story of fantasy and make believe. But today, we still have the Pied Piper. Although his spell isn’t too strong. Instead of a pipe, he has a horn. Instead of walking, he drives.

The Pied Piper of Oakland drives around, honks his horn, and people come running out of buildings to see him. They talk to him and the rest of the people out there, and the spell wears off and people go back inside. Here, for your enjoyment, is the first known photo of the Pied Piper of Oakland.

The Pied Piper of Oakland

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