Blog It Out Your Pie Hole

I had a nice week off, although I forgot to load up some posts and automagically release them during the Thanksgiving break. Speaking of off, we have officially replaced Alicia, although, just like Ann Landers, our replacement is also coincidentally named Alicia.

But today, I bring a warning. The filling IS hot. I baked up some pizza rolls yesterday, and burned the inside of my mouth. Not just frying up a taste bud or two, but really burning my mouth. I have a blister on my hard pallet. It’s a bunch of ouch. Fortunately, except for the blood loss, I think I’m fine. Having a wound inside your mouth is a weird thing. Your tongue just can’t keep away from the big gaping wound.

Strangely, through the trauma that was my boiling mouth, I completely forgot about my other hard pallet wound until now. Maybe I’ve seen too many action movies, but I always wondered what would happen if you stuck a straw through someone’s mouth into their brain. Would brain parts leak out or just fluids? Maybe I’m thinking of Final Destination 2.

But anyway, one morning, about two years ago, I stopped into my favorite (at the time) breakfast place. You know, the French one: Jacques in les Box. Anyway, I got myself a soda, and ended up sticking the straw through my hard pallet because I conveniently bumped the bottom of the cup against the steering wheel. I’m glad the bottom of the cup was stronger than my mouth, because I survived a day of work with all the blood and sinus mucus swishing through my mouth instead of wearing 32 ounces of cola. That would have been embarrassing!So remember, if you don’t think the filling is hot, you can BLOW IT OUT YOUR PIE HOLE!

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Dear XXXX: My current relationship really has the opportunity to grow into something significant. Problem: I am not economically stable enough, or even professionally compatible with my girlfriend. In both cases she far surpasses me. It’s made me feel as if this relationship has an alarm clock that will go off, and then it will all be over. How does one not focus on these issues in a metropolitan, career-oriented city such as D.C.?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:
So you like this woman, but feel inadequate financially. It seems to me you have a choice to make. It has a couple of answers, so you are going to need to be honest with yourself and honest with her.
Read the rest of this entry »

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Dear XXXX: Best friend has child. Her: exhausted, busy, no time for self, no time for me, etc. Me (no kids): Wow. Sorry. What’d you do today? Her: Park, play group …

OK. I’ve done Internet searches, I’ve talked to parents. I don’t get it. What do stay-at-home moms do all day? Please no lists of library, grocery store, dry cleaners … I do all those things, too, and I don’t do them EVERY DAY. I guess what I’m asking is: What is a typical day and why don’t moms have time for a call or e-mail? I work and am away from home nine hours a day (plus a few late work events), I manage to get it all done. I’m feeling like the kid is an excuse to relax and enjoy — not a bad thing at all — but if so, why won’t my friend tell me the truth? Is this a peeing contest (”my life is so much harder than yours”)? I’ve got friends with and without kids and all us child-free folks get the same story.

– Tacoma, Wash.
Holy Crap! You don’t have a clue what parents do during the day, do you? You probably don’t have a clue what teachers do during the day, or day care providers, or in home nurses. When a parent spends the day at home with one or more children, the first thing experienced is exhaustion. It is hard work keeping up with little bundles of energy. When one kid is climbing the curtains, and other one has just figured out how to climb on top of the refridgerator, it’s like too many schnitzengrubens: you really get wiped out.
Once you get wiped out, your priorities change. It was once fun to go out drinking with all your childless friends, now a highlight in your day is when the kids take a nap. That time has become chore time. Time to do the dishes, vacuum the carpet, sweep and mop the floor. When the kids get up, it’s time to make a snack, then it’s playtime again, and it’s time for dinner, bath and bed. The kids finally go to bed, and you are exhausted.
Instead of going out to the bars, you want some adult conversation. There is only rest on your mind, not hearing from the selfish people you acquaint with who think only of themselves. “Whaa,” they cry, “how come you spend time with your own family instead of with me.”
You see, being a parent is about what you can do for your children, giving yourself to them as much as possible, not worring so much about someone else’s latest fling, or about how much someone can drink in one night. Being a parent is probably the noblest thing that one can be. Except for those selfish people who think that having children is a problem, or gets in the way of “their life.”
So, to sum it up, Tacoma, BLOW IT OUT YOUR PIE HOLE!
Alicia

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Since I started reading the newspaper, I remember reading the advice columns. First there was Dear Abby and Ann Landers, then there were a slew of other “advisors.” Unfortunately, too many people take their responses as gospel, and too many of their responses are wrong. There are so many reasons that they have wrong responses, including the pressure of a deadline, they look for questions that they already think they know the answer to, they have someone else filling in for them for a week, or the
madness of meeting three weeks of deadlines in advance so they can go on a vacation.

Today, we introduce Alicia, our column advisor who will, without the pressure of deadlines, take questions from other columnists, and give them correct advice. Once in a while, the paid columnists get it correct, but more often than not, they’re full of crap. Alicia will be taking questions asked to the columnists at her leisure and discretion. Without further ado, here is the first quesiton and answer.

DEAR XXXX: Is there a proper amount of time to wait to send a sympathy card when someone you know suffers a loss? Is it proper to send the card before the funeral, or is it better to wait a week or so? — GEORGE IN SEATTLE

Send it as soon as you know. Once a loved one has gone off to the great beyond, it means more to the survivors how much the deceased will be missed. Besides, if you wait until after the funeral, you may be forgotten and won’t get invited to the wake or celebration of life. In fact, if your friends are all getting up there, it may behoove you to get a couple of sympathy/bereavement cards and have them on standby.
Alicia

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