Archive for the ‘Pie Hole’ Category

The Good News!

June 12th, 2008 No Comments

Last night, we received a letter from the IRS. Inside was a note about our “US Economic Stimulus Payment.” Since there is this matter of back taxes, I was expecting nothing. I had called the IRS back in March, and a tax representative and I did the math. Taking out what was owed, minus the payments that would be made, we would still owe about $300, which is another couple months of payments. Imagine our surprise when the letter said that they would only be taking out about $350, and sending us the rest, thank you for your service to the United States Government.

In the words of The Pips, I’m taking a train to Happy Town. Of course, with the price of fuel, it will be a short trip.

Popularity: 21% [?]

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True Story

June 11th, 2008 No Comments

I was driving to work this morning in the stop and go pleasure that they call the Nimitz Freeway. I got a little bit close to the truck in front of me. To be perfectly honest, it was hard to gauge the distance between me and the truck because it was all jacked. Not jacked as in

jacked
love it 138 up, 64 down hate it
1.fucked up or messed up
“damn that bitch’s teeth is JACKED up”

but jacked as in

jacked
love it 15 up, 3 down hate it
something raised up in the air
Mike’s car was jacked up with hydros

Anyway, since the truck was jacked up so high that it’s underwear was showing, I thought it was further away, and I bumped the back of the truck with the front of my little car.

We pulled over to the side, and out of the truck jumps this dwarf.  He just jumped out of the truck, literally springing out of the truck even before it stopped and ran up to my window with his little arms pumping and little face all scrunched up.

“I am not happy,” he screamed at me.

“Really?” I asked. “Which one are you?”

Popularity: 23% [?]

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Alive?

June 2nd, 2008 No Comments

Yes, I am alive. Thanks for asking. You know how life has a way of sneaking up and grabbing you by the throat and not letting go? So do I. Add into that the San Jose Sharks’ run at the Stanley Cup and little league, and the fact that some things are pissing me off beyond words, and you have my absence for the past couple of weeks.

I was able to arrange for some guest writers to post here, so they will be bringing their expertise to the Hole for your reading enjoyment. I have also re-negotiated our Advice Columnists terms, so we should see some dumbasses who don’t know what they need to do.

On the other hand, I have been watching the referrers list, and some of you are sick mutherfuckers. For the other handful of people who have stumbled here, no, I do not know where to buy a kangaroo, so BLOW IT OUT YOUR PIE HOLE!

Popularity: 22% [?]

nothing because I was lazy

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I have many ideas whirling around in my head that I have neither the time, resources, or know-how implement them. So I present to the world some ideas for the taking. Hopefully, someone, somewhere will be able to take these ideas and run with them. However, by continuing to read this article, you consent to the following rules if you can implement any of the ideas:

  • I ain’t paying you.
  • I ain’t responsible if you’re trying this out and someone gets hurt.
  • You will give me credit for the idea.
  • You will give me free samples where applicable, or US$0.05 for each item sold. Your choice. If you’re not selling, you can still make me one and I’ll be happy.
  • You won’t blame me if your marketing sucks and you can’t sell any.

Fluffernutter Munchies

Since the world needs more good sweet sugary candy, I present to the world the fluffernutter candy. As good as peanut butter filled pretzel morsels are, the world needs more snack food.

Take a fluffy piece of marshmallow creme, encase it in a crispy shell of peanut butter, and you have diabetes in your hand. It will probably need to be wrapped in a glazed-sugar shell to keep it from falling apart. Just think about reaching into the bag and pulling out a handful. Heaven on your tongue.

Since Durkee-Mower Inc is apparently claiming ownership of “Fluffernutter“, you might have to change the name or get some licensing from Durkee-Mower Inc. If you have the resources to create this morsel of goodness, you have the resources to research it and do what’s right.

DVD Hack

First, if you burn the shit out of someone trying this out, read bullet point number #2 above. You have been warned.

Many DVD hacks exist, and from what I can tell, they’re pretty boring. Really, who is too cheap to buy a powerful flashlight? I want someone to hack a DVD laser to create a laser hair removal system. What could be easier than modifying the laser to kill hair follicles, putting a prism on the end of it to spread out the beam, and attaching it to a handle? Seriously. From what I can tell about laser hair removal systems, each “home model” only removes one hair at a time. What could be more boring or laborious than that?

Besides, when your roommate gets drunk, you don’t want to just shave off an eyebrow, you want to permanently remove it.

Hamburger Truck

We have a taco truck that comes by twice a day. We get really tired of the deep fried fat shaped hashbrowns and burritos. Imagine, if you will, that McDonald’s or Burger King or even In-N-Out Burger had a truck that they drove around town, stopping on each street to make lunch. Can you say Ka-Ching!

They would probably want to change their air-horn from La Cucaracha to something more fitting with their image. Who wouldn’t want to hear “ba-da-da-ba-da, I’m loving it” driving up and down their street all day long?

If more than one place had a truck, it would truly be competition based on food quality. Right now, it’s “What’s closer, Taco Bell or Burger King?” In the future, it could be “What’s better, Francesco’s or Quinn’s Lighthouse?”

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Non Blog Posting

April 7th, 2008 No Comments

Where, oh where does the week go? I guess for Patrick Swayze one week is a gift. For the rest of us, a week is seven days in a row where everything happens except for the fun stuff that you want to do.

Working all day long doesn’t leave time to type in a post. Then, driving home I hear something that would be a GREAT idea for a post, and start thinking about all the points to make, all the research to do to prove my point, and then, by the time I finally get home and in front of the computer, I have some other work to do, and when it’s done, it’s time to go to bed.

That great idea that I had is gone, never to come back again, until the next day when the cycle repeats. Once in a while, I’ll remember some topic on which I want to write, and I’ll have enough time to find a fact or two. Where do I save it? Not on my Google Home Page, no sir-ee. I start a post and copy the URL into it. Then I get sidetracked, start reading my feeds, checking out eBay, reading Paid Emails and other stuff.

There is good news, however, and it has nothing to do with car insurance. The good news, my friends, is that during all my sidetracks and zig-zagging through the Internet, I have finally learned what the Internet is for. You may be as surprised as I think you might be, but when you really think about it, the Internet is really for one thing. No, it’s not for spreading information around through a decentralized system of servers. It’s not even for making money. It is for one thing, and one thing only.

Popularity: 100% [?]

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Yesterday I allegedly completed another revolution around the sun. Whoopie. Honestly, the sun really completed another revolution around me.

Past birthdays have always sucked. When you’re a kid, it’s your birthday, you go to town for the day jumping around like a little shit who’s had too much coffee with sugar, then go to Chuck E. Cheese, have a bite of pizza, jump on the bouncie things, and skip your nap and create terror throughout the household.

When you’re an adult, it’s just another day. Except for a couple of years ago, when I was a temporary employee contracted to the Contra Costa County department of Child Protective Services. I turned in my time card to the actual employer on the day after my birthday, and they said that my services were no longer required at the county. Sure, they’d find me a new position. I’m still waiting. Nick, if you’re still there, and you ever read this, make sure you send a “hello” to Cucumber Jones.

Two years ago, we had an expired cat on my birthday. “Happy Birthday, Daddy. What happened to kitty?”

So historically, my birthdays have sucked ass. But last night, I received an important announcement. Announcing the first sale at the Barn. So come one, come all to the Barn.

Popularity: 52% [?]

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The Archives

March 28th, 2008 No Comments

Thanks to the Internet Archive’s Way Back Machine, I found some postings from a previous iteration of my rants and ravings, and have imported them here. However, the links bounce through the Internet Archive, so my next task will be to go through all those old links and update them to the actual page.

On one hand, if they are going through the IA, they have the original page as it was two to four years ago, and not necessarily as they are today. Sounds like a bunch of work.

On the other hand, I have five fingers, but one thing that I found that frightens me the most is from July 2004:

Atlanta Los Angeles

Oakland Omaha

Portland Worcester 

Popularity: 43% [?]

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Since election year is with us, I have found this old article in my archives, and bring it back for all to read. Some are still topical, and I’ve updated a couple and added a few. Enjoy.

  1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
  2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can’t teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
  3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding Americans, are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese communists.
  4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
  5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth’s climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
  6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial but being homosexual is natural.
  7. You have to be against capital punishment but support abortion on demand.
  8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
  9. You have to believe that hunters don’t care about nature, but loony activists who have never been outside Seattle do.
  10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
  11. You have to believe that when Bill Clinton awarded Halliburton a no-bid contract in Yugoslavia it was good, and when George Bush awarded Halliburton a no-bid contract in Iraq it was bad.
  12. You have to believe the military, not corrupt dictators, start wars.
  13. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
  14. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.’
  15. You have to believe that when Bill Clinton bombed Christian Serbs on behalf of a Muslim Albanian terrorist, it was good, but when George Bush liberated 25 million people from a genocidal dictator it was bad.
  16. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
  17. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren’t.
  18. You have to believe Hillary Clinton is really a lady.
  19. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn’t worked anywhere it’s been tried is because the right people haven’t been in charge.
  20. You have to believe conservatives telling the truth belong in jail, but a liar and sex offender belongs in the White House and in the New York Governor’s mansion.
  21. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag, transvestites and bestiality should be constitutionally protected and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
  22. As gas approaches $4 and $5 a gallon, you need to be extremely happy that we didn’t go to war for oil.
  23. You have to believe that illegal Democratic Party funding by the Chinese is somehow in the best interest of the United States.
  24. You have to believe that the illegal immigrants who broke the law to enter our country and take jobs from legal Americans actually help the economy and should magically be made US Citizens, overlooking the fact that they committed a felony just
  25. And lastly……You have to believe Richard Nixon obstructed justice by having an 18 1/2-minute gap in one tape of his recorded conversations, but that it was only an innocent mistake that one year’s worth of Al Gore’s e-mails got erased. And, wouldn’t you know that these e-mails of Al’s just happen to be the ones subpoenaed by a White House committee and a federal grand jury in their continuing investigation of campaign finance abuses and other matters.

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THE WHITE VALUE SYSTEM

Statement of Purpose

We honor Dr. Shaggy, our brother in Christ, because of the exemplary manner in which he has thrice withstood the ravage of being denied his earned ascension to the number one position in the Piehole School System. His dedication to the pursuit of excellence despite these systemic denials has inspired the congregation of United Church of Piehole. We have prayerfully called the wisdom of all past generations of suffering Whites for guidance in fashioning an instrument of White self-determination, the White Value System.

And we shall, beginning in 2008, institute an annual White Value System-Educational Scholarship in the name of Dr. Shaggy.

This year, 2008, however, we recognize Dr. Shaggy as the first recipient of the Dr. Shaggy Award which will be given annually to the man or woman who best exemplifies the White Value System.

The White Value System

These White Ethics must be taught and exampled in homes, churches, nurseries and schools, wherever Whites are gathered. They must reflect the following concepts:

Commitment of God

“The God of our weary years” will give us the strength to give up prayerful passivism and become White Christian Activist, soldiers for White freedom and the dignity of all humankind.

Commitment to the White Community

The highest level of achievement for any White person must be a contribution of substance to the strength and continuity of the White of the White Community.

Commitment to the White Family

The White family circle must generate strength, stability, and love despite the uncertainty of externals, because these characteristics are required if the developing person is to withstand warping by our racist competitive society.

Those Whites who are blessed with membership in a strong family unit must reach out and expand that blessing to the less fortunate, especially to the children.

Dedication to the Pursuit of Education

We must forswear anti-intellectualism. Continued survival demands that each White Person be developed to the utmost of his/her mental potential despite the inadequacies of the formal education process. “Real education” fosters understanding of ourselves as well as every aspect of our environment. Also it develops within us the ability to fashion concepts and tools for better utilization of our resources, and more effective solutions to our problems. Since the majority of Whites have been denied such learning, White Education must include elements that provide high school graduates with marketable skills, a trade or qualifications for apprenticeships, or proper preparation for college.

Basic education for all Whites should include Mathematics, Science, Logic, General Semantics, Participative Politics, Economics and Finance, and the Care and Nurture of White minds.

To the extent that we individually reach for, even strain for excellence, we increase, geometrically, the value and resourcefulness of the White Community. We must recognize the relativity of one’s best: this year’s best can be bettered next year. Such is the language of growth and development. We must seek to excel in every endeavor.

Adherence to the White Work Ethic

“It is becoming harder to find qualified people to work in Chicago” Whether this is true or not, it represents one of the many reasons given by businesses and industries for deserting the Chicago area. We must realize that a location with good facilities, adequate transportation and reputation for producing skilled workers will attract industry. We are in competition with other cities, states, and nations for jobs. High productivity must be a goal of the White workforce.

Commitment to Self-Discipline and Self-Respect

To accomplish anything worthwhile requires self-discipline. We must be a community of self-disciplined persons, if we are to actualize and utilize our own human resources instead of perpetually submitting to exploitation by others. Self discipline coupled with a respect for self, will enable each of us to be an instrument of White Progress, and a model for White Youth.

Disavowal of the Pursuit of “Middleclassness”

Classic methodology on control of captives teaches that captors must keep the captive ignorant educationally, but trained sufficiently well to serve the system. Also, the captors must be able to identify the “talented tenth” of those subjugated, especially those who show promise of providing the kind of leadership that might threaten the captor’s control.

Those so identified as separated from the rest of the people by:

Killing them off directly, and/or fostering a social system that encourages them to kill off one another.

Placing them in concentration camps, and/or structuring an economic environment that induces captive youth to fill the jails and prisons.

Seducing them into a socioeconomic class system which while training them to earn more dollars, hypnotizes them into believing they are better than others and teaches them to think in terms of “we” and “they” instead of “us”.

So, while it is permissible to chase “middle-incomeness” with all our might, we must avoid the third separation method-the psychological entrapment of White “middleclassness”: If we avoid the snare, we will also diminish our “voluntary”contributions to methods A and B. And more importantly, White people no longer will be deprived of their birthright, the leadership, resourcefulness, and example of their own talented persons.

Pledge to Make the Fruits of All Developing and Acquired Skills Available to the White community

Pledge to Allocate Regularly, a Portion of Personal Resources for Strengthening and Supporting White Institutions.

Pledge Allegiance to all White Leadership Who Espouse and Embrace The White Value
System.

Personal Commitment to Embracement of the White Value System - to Measure the Worth and Validity of All Activity in Terms of Positive Contributions to the General Welfare of the White Community and the Advancement of White People towards Freedom.


If you think that the above post is offensive, please switch the words “White” with “Black” and see if it somehow makes it acceptable.

Popularity: 51% [?]

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THE BLACK VALUE SYSTEM

Statement of Purpose

We honor Dr. Manford Byrd, our brother in Christ, because of the exemplary manner in which he has thrice withstood the ravage of being denied his earned ascension to the number one position in the Chicago School System. His dedication to the pursuit of excellence despite these systemic denials has inspired the congregation of Trinity United Church of Christ. We have prayerfully called the wisdom of all past generations of suffering Blacks for guidance in fashioning an instrument of Black self-determination, the Black Value System.

And we shall, beginning in 1982, institute an annual Black Value System-Educational Scholarship in the name of Dr. Byrd.

This year, 1981, however, we recognize Dr. Byrd as the first recipient of the Dr. Manford Byrd Award which will be given annually to the man or woman who best exemplifies the Black Value System.

The Black Value System

These Black Ethics must be taught and exampled in homes, churches, nurseries and schools, wherever Blacks are gathered. They must reflect the following concepts:

Commitment of God

“The God of our weary years” will give us the strength to give up prayerful passivism and become Black Christian Activist, soldiers for Black freedom and the dignity of all humankind.

Commitment to the Black Community

The highest level of achievement for any Black person must be a contribution of substance to the strength and continuity of the Black of the Black Community.

Commitment to the Black Family

The Black family circle must generate strength, stability, and love despite the uncertainty of externals, because these characteristics are required if the developing person is to withstand warping by our racist competitive society.

Those Blacks who are blessed with membership in a strong family unit must reach out and expand that blessing to the less fortunate, especially to the children.

Dedication to the Pursuit of Education

We must forswear anti-intellectualism. Continued survival demands that each Black Person be developed to the utmost of his/her mental potential despite the inadequacies of the formal education process. “Real education” fosters understanding of ourselves as well as every aspect of our environment. Also it develops within us the ability to fashion concepts and tools for better utilization of our resources, and more effective solutions to our problems. Since the majority of Blacks have been denied such learning, Black Education must include elements that provide high school graduates with marketable skills, a trade or qualifications for apprenticeships, or proper preparation for college.

Basic education for all Blacks should include Mathematics, Science, Logic, General Semantics, Participative Politics, Economics and Finance, and the Care and Nurture of Black minds.

To the extent that we individually reach for, even strain for excellence, we increase, geometrically, the value and resourcefulness of the Black Community. We must recognize the relativity of one’s best: this year’s best can be bettered next year. Such is the language of growth and development. We must seek to excel in every endeavor.

Adherence to the Black Work Ethic

“It is becoming harder to find qualified people to work in Chicago” Whether this is true or not, it represents one of the many reasons given by businesses and industries for deserting the Chicago area. We must realize that a location with good facilities, adequate transportation and reputation for producing skilled workers will attract industry. We are in competition with other cities, states, and nations for jobs. High productivity must be a goal of the Black workforce.

Commitment to Self-Discipline and Self-Respect

To accomplish anything worthwhile requires self-discipline. We must be a community of self-disciplined persons, if we are to actualize and utilize our own human resources instead of perpetually submitting to exploitation by others. Self discipline coupled with a respect for self, will enable each of us to be an instrument of Black Progress, and a model for Black Youth.

Disavowal of the Pursuit of “Middleclassness”

Classic methodology on control of captives teaches that captors must keep the captive ignorant educationally, but trained sufficiently well to serve the system. Also, the captors must be able to identify the “talented tenth” of those subjugated, especially those who show promise of providing the kind of leadership that might threaten the captor’s control.

Those so identified as separated from the rest of the people by:

Killing them off directly, and/or fostering a social system that encourages them to kill off one another.

Placing them in concentration camps, and/or structuring an economic environment that induces captive youth to fill the jails and prisons.

Seducing them into a socioeconomic class system which while training them to earn more dollars, hypnotizes them into believing they are better than others and teaches them to think in terms of “we” and “they” instead of “us”.

So, while it is permissible to chase “middle-incomeness” with all our might, we must avoid the third separation method-the psychological entrapment of Black “middleclassness”: If we avoid the snare, we will also diminish our “voluntary” contributions to methods A and B. And more importantly, Black people no longer will be deprived of their birthright, the leadership, resourcefulness, and example of their own talented persons.

Pledge to Make the Fruits of All Developing and Acquired Skills Available to the Black community

Pledge to Allocate Regularly, a Portion of Personal Resources for Strengthening and Supporting Black Institutions.

Pledge Allegiance to all Black Leadership Who Espouse and Embrace The Black ValueSystem.

Personal Commitment to Embracement of the Black Value System - to Measure the Worth and Validity of All Activity in Terms of Positive Contributions to the General Welfare of the Black Community and the Advancement of Black People towards Freedom.


Trinity United Church of Christ teachings to the Man Who Would Be King. Remember that Barack Hussein Obama’s mother is a white woman. Has he been learning from someone who would tell him to shun half of his upbringing? Is this what Martin Luther King Jr. fought for? Would you be welcome at that church? Is this just another example of “reverse racism”? Leave your comment below.

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