Dear XXXX: My current relationship really has the opportunity to grow into something significant. Problem: I am not economically stable enough, or even professionally compatible with my girlfriend. In both cases she far surpasses me. It’s made me feel as if this relationship has an alarm clock that will go off, and then it will all be over. How does one not focus on these issues in a metropolitan, career-oriented city such as D.C.?
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous:
So you like this woman, but feel inadequate financially. It seems to me you have a choice to make. It has a couple of answers, so you are going to need to be honest with yourself and honest with her.
First, an adult relationship, if it is to go long-term, is to decide if it is something that should go long term. If she had a mustache, and you don’t like that on a woman, you would probably end the relationship. Now, if you can learn to live with her having a mustache, you wouldn’t end it.
Second, you need to know the answer to the question, “Do you want the same thing out of her relationship that she wants.” My brother-in-law was dating a nice girl for quite some time, and the rest of the family was wondering where he wanted to go in the relationship. Now, if they’re both happy having sex with each other, sharing expenses, ready to drop the other person if something better comes along, that’s fine, as long as they want the same thing from each other. If he is happy with the sex, sharing expenses, having a hottie on his arm at events, and she wants to get married, there will be trouble. Relationships should have a “check-in period” twice a year. An assessment of what you both want, and if you are both getting it. Things change, people change. That’s why you should check-in every six months and either cut bait or fish.
Third, if you both want the same thing, you need to pull the same weight. Not necessarily the same work load, but the perceived work load in the eyes of your partner. A couple of months ago, I saw Kathy Griffin on the Suze Ormand Show. Kathy was saying that she would be dating someone who couldn’t pay for dinner, or afford housing where she was, so she expected her dates, if they were to become a “relationship” to contribute in some other way to the relationship. Perhaps by doing the dishes, mowing the lawn, or some other value creating action. It’s not always about the money, but the perceived value brought by an individual to the other individual in the relationship.
So here is what you need to do. Stop and think. “Is her overpassing me financially and on a career path a deal breaker?” If you are worrying about it, you have a problem. You need to sit your ass down with her and let her know how you feel. I know that it’s tough for guys, but you need to start talking about it. Don’t approach it in an attacking way, approach it by addressing your concerns and fears. You might start by saying, “Honey, I am concerned that your career will take off and you will leave me behind so I look like a bum compared to you.” Then sit back and listen. See what she has to say. She may not have a problem with anything because you do the laundry. She may have a problem because you aren’t brining enough value to the relationship for her. That is for the two of you to work out. Not just you, but both of you. Sit down and talk to her soon. If you don’t she’s going to tell you to Blow It Out Your Pie Hole.
Alicia
Popularity: 38% [?]
This post was tagged with Alicia, feeling, finance, Kathy Griffin, relationship, Suze Ormand.Related posts
Comment on this post
War was declared on the United States of America 2,543 days, 16 hours, 47 minutes and 28 seconds ago.
