Blog It Out Your Pie Hole

Dear XXXX: Best friend has child. Her: exhausted, busy, no time for self, no time for me, etc. Me (no kids): Wow. Sorry. What’d you do today? Her: Park, play group …

OK. I’ve done Internet searches, I’ve talked to parents. I don’t get it. What do stay-at-home moms do all day? Please no lists of library, grocery store, dry cleaners … I do all those things, too, and I don’t do them EVERY DAY. I guess what I’m asking is: What is a typical day and why don’t moms have time for a call or e-mail? I work and am away from home nine hours a day (plus a few late work events), I manage to get it all done. I’m feeling like the kid is an excuse to relax and enjoy — not a bad thing at all — but if so, why won’t my friend tell me the truth? Is this a peeing contest (”my life is so much harder than yours”)? I’ve got friends with and without kids and all us child-free folks get the same story.

– Tacoma, Wash.
Holy Crap! You don’t have a clue what parents do during the day, do you? You probably don’t have a clue what teachers do during the day, or day care providers, or in home nurses. When a parent spends the day at home with one or more children, the first thing experienced is exhaustion. It is hard work keeping up with little bundles of energy. When one kid is climbing the curtains, and other one has just figured out how to climb on top of the refridgerator, it’s like too many schnitzengrubens: you really get wiped out.
Once you get wiped out, your priorities change. It was once fun to go out drinking with all your childless friends, now a highlight in your day is when the kids take a nap. That time has become chore time. Time to do the dishes, vacuum the carpet, sweep and mop the floor. When the kids get up, it’s time to make a snack, then it’s playtime again, and it’s time for dinner, bath and bed. The kids finally go to bed, and you are exhausted.
Instead of going out to the bars, you want some adult conversation. There is only rest on your mind, not hearing from the selfish people you acquaint with who think only of themselves. “Whaa,” they cry, “how come you spend time with your own family instead of with me.”
You see, being a parent is about what you can do for your children, giving yourself to them as much as possible, not worring so much about someone else’s latest fling, or about how much someone can drink in one night. Being a parent is probably the noblest thing that one can be. Except for those selfish people who think that having children is a problem, or gets in the way of “their life.”
So, to sum it up, Tacoma, BLOW IT OUT YOUR PIE HOLE!
Alicia

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So we work around the corner from a crematorium. Yesterday, I had lunch at “The Border,” and in line right behind me was a guy wearing a uniform from the crematorium. He looked a little depressed, and I started to talk to him. Since he had a name tag that read “Jim,” I assumed that his name was Jim.

“Hey, Jim,” I began. “How’s life over at the crematorium.”

“It’s a living.” Obviously, he was either a genius in the art of conversation or really depressed. In an effort to cheer him up, I asked if he had any fun stories about the crematorium.

“Well,” his face lightened up a bit, “last week I was preparing Mr. Schwartz for cremation. Now I’m not one to look, but I noticed that he had the largest…Waboo-Daboo that I’ve ever seen.” I’m astonished that he said this in a restaurant, but he continued. “So I cut it off to show my wife. I mean, this kind of thing doesn’t come around all that often.”

I nodded in a half-hearted effort to keep him talking and not commit suicide right there in the lobby.

“So when I went home, I showed my wife. I said, ‘Honey, you have to see this. It’s astonishing.’ She looked at it, and screamed, ‘Oh, no! Shwartz is dead!’”

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So we’re following the story of the Yokels who aren’t pumping gas. Another yokel, Harvey Pollack, also from the greater Milwaukee metropolitan area shut his gas station down, but only for one day. I’m not sure they breed them too well in Milwaukee.

Pollack shuts down his gas pump, decreasing supply in the area. Yokels like “Maria McClory, 38, drove 10 miles out of her way to buy a diet soda from Pollack’s station after seeing local television coverage of the protest.” Way to go, Maria. Increase your demand for gas while supporting a shortage. That amounts to the same idiocy as fishing as many trout as you can from a stocked lake, then demanding that the hatchery shuts down.

If I were a gas station owner in the general vicinity of any of these yokels, I would raise my prices by 5 cents or so. Supply is lower, so prices are naturally set to increase. When will they ever learn about Supply and Demand?

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So I’m passing the newstand, and I see this God-awful picture of Al Gore. It looks like Time Magazine thinks Al Gore should be the Nation’s First President. The Clinton Socialist Revolution will be a tough battle to fight. Maybe they’re just trying to make him look like Jon Stewart.

Either way, Hey Time Magazine! BLOW IT OUT YOUR PIE HOLE!

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So there’s this big stink about the whales who swam up the San Joaquin Delta into the Sacramento River. “We can’t have the whales here, it’s not natural” scream the hippies. Saltwater humpback whales are currently basking in the freshwater Sacramento River. Last time I was up in that area, lots of people were enjoying themselves on the banks of the river.

So. Why are some piehole’s panties in a snip? Why can’t they believe that the whales are just on vacation. Sure, they got hurt by a boat and can’t heal unless they’re in salt water. Who hasn’t gone on vacation and not been near their primary health care provider? Once they’re done vacationing, they’ll go back to the salt water and get healed.

This isn’t the first time that whales have taken a detour up the Sacramento River. The most famous was Humphrey. Humphrey was such a celebrity that a restaurant was named after him. I wonder if any biologist has been smart enough to collect the DNA of any of these whales to see if they’re related or even the same, following the migratory patterns of their ancestors.

Maybe, the whales are trying to evolve. They are currently salt-water animals, maybe they want to become freshwater, then sprout legs and walk on earth with the other land animals. They’re X-Whales. Living, breathing mutants. Why do the hippies who want to push them back in the salt-water want to deny the whales a chance at evolution?

Just possibly, the whales want to see the Sacramento River. Not as a vacation, not as an evolutionary exploration, but maybe the just want to see what is there, and they’re being harrassed by people banging pipes together. Why can’t the people up there just respect the whales’ right to choose? The whales have rights, you know.

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I heard about the story of the death of Robert Charles Comer, who was executed by lethal injection on Tuesday. He was on death row for 19 years, after being sentenced for the 1987 murder of a camper and a repeated raping in a massive crime spree outside Phoenix, AZ.

That a convicted murder was put to death is not the story. Neither was his lengthy court battle to prove that he was competent enough to want to die for his crimes. The real story here is that his last words were in support of the word team of the 2006 NFL season.

He was strapped to a gurney and covered from the shoulders down with a sheet when the curtains were pulled back to allow witnesses to see him Tuesday. He looked around and mouthed “Hi, how are you” toward witnesses who weren’t visible to the media.

Warden Carson McWilliams then asked him if he had any last words. Comer said, “Yes, Go Raiders.”

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I first heard this on Fox News on Tuesday when I was home with a sick kid, that some yokels were shutting down their gas stations. One of those guys is Jeff Curro, in the greater Milwaukee metropolitan area.

“The way I see it is, I’m doing all the work of providing the labor, the wages, the electricity, the lighting, the maintenance of the pumps, the repairs and the insurance, which is quite substantial,” Curro said. “I’m doing all the work, and somebody else is getting fat on me.”

Let’s see here. Our economy is based on supply and demand. The demand for gasoline will continue to increase. At some point when the demand for “alternative fuels” is outpacing the increase of demand of gasoline, the gasoline prices should see a natural decline as the demand drops and supply keeps steady. The refining capabilities in the United States have been stable since 1976. Of course, an Exxon Mobile exectutive said that said that company foresees no need to build new refineries at least through the year 2030.

So gasoline supply has been relatively stable coming from the refineries. Demand increases from automobile drivers, creating more gas stations. Demand increases as do prices. So now these guys add to the decrease in supply in the immediate area, increasing supply. Over the national average, it won’t have an impact, but prices still increase in the area.

If Jeff Curro, Casey O’Gorman, and others want to get out of the gasoline sales, go ahead and sell your station to someone who will continue to sell gas. Move your auto repair shop or convenience market somewhere else. In the meantime, BLOW IT OUT YOUR PIE HOLE!

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Since I started reading the newspaper, I remember reading the advice columns. First there was Dear Abby and Ann Landers, then there were a slew of other “advisors.” Unfortunately, too many people take their responses as gospel, and too many of their responses are wrong. There are so many reasons that they have wrong responses, including the pressure of a deadline, they look for questions that they already think they know the answer to, they have someone else filling in for them for a week, or the
madness of meeting three weeks of deadlines in advance so they can go on a vacation.

Today, we introduce Alicia, our column advisor who will, without the pressure of deadlines, take questions from other columnists, and give them correct advice. Once in a while, the paid columnists get it correct, but more often than not, they’re full of crap. Alicia will be taking questions asked to the columnists at her leisure and discretion. Without further ado, here is the first quesiton and answer.

DEAR XXXX: Is there a proper amount of time to wait to send a sympathy card when someone you know suffers a loss? Is it proper to send the card before the funeral, or is it better to wait a week or so? — GEORGE IN SEATTLE

Send it as soon as you know. Once a loved one has gone off to the great beyond, it means more to the survivors how much the deceased will be missed. Besides, if you wait until after the funeral, you may be forgotten and won’t get invited to the wake or celebration of life. In fact, if your friends are all getting up there, it may behoove you to get a couple of sympathy/bereavement cards and have them on standby.
Alicia

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So I heard about this engagement, but didn’t believe it until I saw it. BLOW IT OUT YOUR PIE HOLE sends its warmest regards to Anna Wang and Brad Holder. We look forward to following their wedding on October 6, in San Francisco. We just hope that she doesn’t hypenate her name.

In other news, I was asked recently if asking the girl at Home Depot if you can see her knockers was like asking your waitress if she has a small box.

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By Liz Tomey Bing

Your blog is a very powerful tool that can help you express yourself to the world. You gradually build up a relationship with those people who read your blog. While your blog may already be effective, there are a few things you cna do to ensure that both you and your readers continue to enjoy your blog.

First of all, post often and on time. If you post a blog called “Monday Musings”, readers will expect to see new posts on Monday, especially if you start out that way. Your blog is similar to a newsletter and it is important to be consistent with it. This will help increase the number of people who visit your site and return for a repeat viewing. When readers are interested and come back frequently, you are able to eventually build up a relationship with those regular readers.

Secondly, it is ok to use information from other sources, but be sure to give appropriate credit to those sources. You may want to comment on a news story you found or a particular website that you found of interest. Just be sure to provide the source information and a link at the end of your post, if available.

Read the rest of this entry »

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